The Problem
Here is the problem in a nutshell. Every marriage has problems, disagreements, arguments. If they go on for too long, without at least some resolution and without some level of reconciliation (making-up) between the two of you, you will each become hardened toward the other: angry, bitter, resentful and capable of saying and doing mean and hurtful things that you may never have previously imagined possible.
Once you’ve arrived at this state, there’s only one way to get out: find the wherewithal to cease playing your part in the conflict. You have to find another way. Not by blowing your top, not by getting your spouse to change, not by being willing to change if they will and not by simply giving-in and submitting.
It can be done and you can do it, only you don’t know how yet. The material contained in this book is going to help you see how and even why. While not rocket science, it will require honesty, a willingness to be a little vulnerable and faith in the goodness and integrity of your marriage partner.
And, when things get difficult, ask yourself one question: Do I want things to continue to roll out along the bitter and acrimonious lines they have been or do I want to see them going in a better, more loving and constructive direction? The choice is yours.
Look Behind the Meanness
The fact that they can be repeatedly mean points more to a perceived lack of options rather than any pleasure involved. While it’s true that it feels better in the moment to feel powerful rather than weak, the thrill is short-lived and inevitably followed by a healthy dose of guilt and remorse. And believe me, this is what’s going on, despite however self-satisfied or unapologetic the mean person may appear.
The reality is that most people act mean because they are in a great deal of pain. And every time they act mean they not only add to that pain but to the guilt and shame associated with it. Most people are decent at base and when they behave in a manner that violates their basic sense of decency, guess what? They feel bad about it. No, people who act mean, hurtful or thoughtlessly are not having any fun at it, particularly when you consider the people they hurt are most often loved ones. While psychiatry recognizes that there are personality types who don’t feel the pain of their intentional wrongdoing, chances are that you are not married to one of them.
Focus On the Good
Consider this: problems are not the cause of unhappiness in marriage; they are the symptoms of an unhappy marriage. You may think: We have problems, therefore we don’t feel good. But what is far more likely is: We don’t feel good, therefore we have problems. If you can find a way to feel better about yourself and your spouse, your problems may diminish, or, at least, your feeling of helplessness and frustration over failing to solve them certainly will.
Research with couples whose marriages thrive does not indicate any lack of problems; they have problems, large and small, the same way you do. How thriving marriages tend to differ is that these couples have learned to focus on what’s good, what works, what they enjoy about the relationship, instead of remaining focused on the problems. Some say problems in a marriage are like goldfish: the more you feed them, the larger they get.
Think of some of your problems: your husband gets angry when you spend too much money, you get angry when he comes home late or doesn’t fold the laundry, etc. Do you really think spending money, getting home on time and folded laundry are going to make for happiness?