Oh, so you want to fool your wife, do you? Well, I have some good news and some bad news on that subject. First, the bad news: you cannot fool your wife. No matter how hard you try. No matter how persuasive, how willful, how determined you are, it ain’t gonna happen. As for the good news: you can inspire your wife to change by being willing to change yourself.
If nothing else, people who have been married for several years are, unbeknownst to them, the world’s foremost authority on at least one subject: their spouse. You know more about your spouse – their ins and outs, their strengths and weaknesses, their dreams, ambitions, and failures – than anybody else on the planet. And yet, most of us, most of the time, fail miserably to make use of this precious and hard-earned resource. Why? Because we remain too attached to the short-sighted desire to have things our own way. We are so blinded by this desire, so convinced that we must win out in a clumsy, protracted and ultimately futile battle of wills, that we fail to recognize the rich opportunity that lies unnoticed at our feet.
If you are like most people, you undoubtedly have a short list of things you would like to change in your spouse. And, no doubt, he/she has a short list where you are concerned. This is, after all, only human nature. But suppose that you, as the world’s foremost authority on your spouse, were to turn your attention from your list and focus on his/hers? You might ask yourself: What would my wife like to see different about me? Hmmm. Well, she often complains that I don’t like to just cuddle rather than having sex. She often complains that I point out her flaws more than her strengths. She often complains that I put down her opinions without having fully heard them out. Get the picture?
Now suppose you were to consider that there may be an element of truth to these complaints (impossible as that may seem). You could decide to institute some changes in your feelings, your attitudes, and your behavior toward her. I know this sounds a lot like what most people would consider “giving in” and you might dismiss this obviously crazy notion out of hand. But if you stop for a moment and ask yourself what all your insistence and rigidity has gotten you over the years, you may decide there might be something to this obviously insane notion after all.
Were you truly a “take-charge” person, a person more interested in attaining results than in propping up your ego, I submit that you would be obliged to take these considerations seriously. For that is the essence of the problem: getting our own way becomes more important than achieving the desired result. Caught up as we are in winning the battle of wills, we lose sight of the long-term goal of having greater happiness, closeness, warmth, and respect in our marriage.
Imagine for a moment that you were to rank in order the complaints your spouse has about you; you know what they are. Now imagine you choose one of them and decide to initiate a change unilaterally, without even mentioning it to your spouse. How long before your spouse catches on? The wives will sooner, but even the dullest of husbands will catch on eventually. And what do you imagine they will think when they make this discovery? They will think: Gee, lately she has been so nice to me in this regard, after all the time I’ve been bugging her about it. Even I can’t let that go by without at least a comment and a word of gratitude. In fact, perhaps, feeling so inspired, I could consider acceding to one of the things she has complained about me in the past. After all, that is only fair, isn’t it? If your spouse is a decent sort and loves and cares for you as much as you imagine, how could he/she not eventually arrive at this conclusion? Stop being so willful and place some faith in your mate’s inherent goodness.
Remember the Parable of the Loaves and Fishes? After Jesus preached to the multitude, his apostles pointed out that his audience had had nothing to eat all day. All Jesus had on hand, according to Luke, were five loaves and two fishes, but he ordered them to be distributed among the thousands of people assembled. What happened next was perhaps not so much your standard New Testament miracle as that people who had food secreted among them were inspired by Jesus’ gesture to share what they had with the others. Thus were the multitudes fed.
You too can be the inspirational force that nudges your spouse – who, after all, loves you and cares about your well-being – to respond in kind. None of us like to feel we are being forced or pressured, but by acting out of generosity and strength, rather than making it a battle of egos, we can inspire our spouses to act out of the best part of themselves.
As you give over any short-term gain you wish to achieve in favor of the long-term health and well-being of the marriage, eventually even the dullest of beings (read husbands) will respond in kind. How could they not, seeing as they have obvious proofs of your love and caring for them. It is a win-win scenario if I ever heard one, and the choice is right in your hands, even as we speak. Are you up for the challenge?
If you found this article helpful, you may be interested in purchasing our complete self-guided workbook of So I Married Someone with a Mean Streak. Click here for more information.