The notion of workaholism or of being a workaholic has no true technical foundation in the study of psychology. These terms usually carry negative connotations in that they are perceived as bringing suffering to one’s family and/or personal life. The terms are a play on the word alcoholic and did not enter the vernacular until the 1990s.
Unlike other compulsive behaviors such as alcohol, drug, gambling or spending addictions, workaholism bears no social stigma. It is ego syntonic, a psychiatric term referring to behaviors, values or feelings which are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one’s ideal self-image. It is also a highly prized cultural trait and, some argue, an economic necessity in today’s fast-paced and highly competitive marketplace.
Workaholism is characterized by a preoccupation with work to the exclusion of most familial and social activities. In addition to putting in heavy hours at the office, the situation has been exacerbated with the advent of handheld personal computers, smart phones and other devices which enable individuals to perform work-related functions wherever and whenever they choose. As technological “progress” continues, it will redefine and blur the line between work and leisure as never before. The irony here, of course, is that these devices were initially projected to save time and create more leisure opportunities. Oops!
Personality traits closely identified with workaholism include difficulty in delegating tasks to others, a tendency toward perfectionism, mixing work with recreational activities, failure to maintain familial or social commitments and sneaking work home on weekends or during vacations.
Living with a workaholic can be a very frustrating and unrewarding experience. Unlike with drug or alcohol addiction, one is likely to find little or no support for coping with the issue in the larger community. The very fact that hard work is regarded so highly creates an atmosphere where it may be a formidable challenge to even get the individual concerned to acknowledge there is a problem.
As with any compulsion, the behaviors involved mask complex unresolved psychological issues. Add to this the reinforcement received at the workplace, economic gain and the increased status and prestige in the community, and you have a set of behaviors exceedingly difficult to challenge or disrupt. Only those closest to the individual involved know at what a high cost these benefits accrue.
One of the reasons the task of confronting these behaviors is so difficult is that they lend in great measure to the individual’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Any frontal assault on this position is going to be met with a spirited defense, common when people feel they are in the right. The best approach requires a delicate blend of confrontation and compassion. On the one hand, the individual needs to be made to see and feel the negative impact this fascination with work is having on their spouse, family, and personal health. On the other hand, this approach, if taken in the heat of the moment or out of frustration, will most likely be perceived as an attack and dealt with accordingly. Points about quality-of-life issues are best made and received when things are relatively calm and happy, and people are in control of their emotions. This approach requires strategic thought, inner strength, and patience.
Compassion is facilitated when you begin to look beyond the harm this defensive behavior (workaholism) is creating and appreciate the role and function it serves for your spouse. This type of behavior is a large source of an individual’s sense of self-esteem, purpose, and legitimacy. Work, in this case, helps define the individual in a positive light, stabilizing what may be an otherwise shaky sense of self-confidence, in addition to being the source of all the social and financial reinforcement mentioned earlier. The individual involved is only going to consider relinquishing all this if a viable option is offered in its stead.
Rather than attacking the workaholism, the task is to acknowledge all your spouse has done, accomplished, and given, thereby addressing the ego’s needs, while at the same time reframing personal, familial, and social functions as additional untapped sources of gratification and accomplishment. The hardest part of all this will be staying clear within yourself about what you are attempting, and why, and keeping your personal frustration levels down to manageable limits.
Once you have succeeded in gaining your spouse’s support, you can agree to incorporate certain specific behavioral goals into the program to serve as benchmarks. If your spouse works sixty hours per week, the goal can be to cut it down to fifty; if he brings a laptop everywhere he goes, there might need to be laptop-free weekends, afternoons, or hours, depending on how bad the situation is. Cell phone-free nights is another option – one that can extend to the entire family.
Characterizing the task as a challenge to balance work with a healthy and rewarding personal life will help your spouse view the change as one more thing which he can feel proud of and successfully accomplish.
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