Nagging. This phenomenon is an all too real aspect of almost any relationship of long standing. How does it start? When does it come about? Most of us who are married recall the early innings of our marriage as typically devoid of nagging. Is it something, like an infection, that develops over time?
First, let us look at the definition. The Oxford Dictionary has it as bothering persistently with trivial complaints; harassing someone constantly to do something to which they are averse. A nag is someone (especially a woman) who constantly finds fault. The word is derived from the Scandinavian word gnaga to bite or gnaw, an accurate if not cheerful image. These definitions confirm that nagging as a trait is typically associated with the female of the species, and this is not without good reason. Women are typically more inclined to want to address a given domestic situation and they are certainly more inclined to verbalize these inclinations than are their male counterparts. That is also why it is technically accurate, if not misleading, to say women start most of the fights in a relationship: they are simply much more likely to speak up.
We may joke about nagging or being nagged, but it really is no laughing matter. Part of the function that jokes and wisecracks serve is to try to divert attention from the issue and possibly release some of the mutual strain that builds up around it.
Nagging is the ideal tool for driving people apart, its circular nature makes it a very difficult process to interrupt. Let us take an example: she wants him to pick up after himself (not an unreasonable request.) He does not do it (consistently anyway). She begins to get frustrated and begins to reference his shortcomings in this regard more often. He responds to this increased pressure by tuning her out more and more. This naturally increases her sense of frustration, which increases references, which increases his tuning her out, etc., etc., etc. Soon this cycle (and the concomitant loss of mutual respect) spreads to other areas of the relationship and the intimacy slowly dies.
I recall a line from one of my favorite movies, Cool Hand Luke: What we have here is failure to communicate! Even, as is often the case, were she to give in and pick up after him herself, the resentment and frustration she would feel when doing so would fester just beneath the surface.
The only way to really defuse the situation is to recognize that you are dealing with a power struggle. In defusing a power struggle, each party must be willing to acknowledge his or her part in it. While this is not rocket science, it is not easy. It takes a great deal of humility and a willingness to be vulnerable to sit down and dissect the problem. Each must be willing to say how they have contributed to the situation. Each must be willing to voluntarily surrender their rationales for their behavior and any defensive posturing. Each must be willing to “take one for the team” and sacrifice their own personal preferences for the well-being of the team.
In my work with couples I often teach that each relationship has what I call an emotional leader. As is with most things in a relationship, whether it is bookkeeping, grocery shopping or scheduling the social calendar, one person is better at it than the other. In the area of addressing problematic emotional issues, this person is the emotional leader. I do not mean to imply that anyone abdicate their emotional responsibility in the relationship; rather it is more a case of one individual taking the lead, showing the way, blazing a path to follow. If you are that person, then you have got to act.
During a calm interval (as opposed to during a flare up of the problem) the emotional leader might suggest the couple set aside some time to sit down and talk. Do not be surprised if your spouse balks or responds with some smart remark; remember, you have been thinking about this for some time, while for them it is coming as a bolt from the blue. You will need an hour when you can be alone and uninterrupted. It is often helpful to begin the discussion by making a conscious statement of intent, like Let’s take this time together to dismantle the obstacles that we have allowed to come between us and make ours a more loving and respectful relationship.
Take turns speaking about how you contribute to the problem, not how your spouse does. Brainstorm possible solutions. Do not try to do too much at once; partial agreements are better than no agreement at all. Do not be discouraged if things stall; by definition you are trying to reinstate a sense of mutual respect when things have suffered as a direct result of its disuse. Avoid trying to solve too much at one sitting; congratulate yourself and each other on a good effort and try to end on a positive note.
You can repeat these conversations as often as necessary to rectify the situation. Once you experience even a small improvement through opening up to each other in this fashion it becomes like eating salted peanuts: difficult to stop. The two of you can set in motion a benign cycle, every bit as enduring as a vicious one but infinitely more rewarding.
You may notice that this technique could apply to teenage or even younger children with whom nagging has become a part of the interaction. Nobody likes to nag or be nagged; all that is needed is an awareness of the true nature of the problem and a willingness to be open and vulnerable in approaching a solution. Take the chance to extend yourself and lead by example. In the long run, you will be glad you did.