Consider this: problems are not the cause of unhappiness in marriage; they are the symptoms of an unhappy marriage. You may think: We have problems; therefore we don’t feel good. But what is far more likely is: We don’t feel good, therefore we have problems. If you can find a way to feel better about yourself and your spouse, your problems may diminish, or, at least, your feeling of helplessness and frustration over failing to solve them certainly will.
Research with couples whose marriages thrive does not indicate any lack of problems; they have problems, large and small, the same way you do. How thriving marriages tend to differ is that these couples have learned to focus on what is good, what works, what they enjoy about the relationship, instead of remaining focused on the problems. Some say problems in a marriage are like goldfish: the more you feed them, the larger they get.
Think of some of your problems: your husband gets angry when you spend too much money, you get angry when he comes home late or does not fold the laundry, etc. Do you really think spending money, getting home on time and folded laundry are going to make for happiness?
To a large extent, happy couples are happy because they are committed to being so. They foster a belief they will be happy and consciously make a commitment to staying close together through adversity. They view themselves as a team and nurture that image of themselves so that what they believe then comes true. When they face adversity, they face it as a team, even when the actions of one of them may be at the root of that adversity. You can do it too.
Consider the following experiment: write down some specific examples of how your spouse would behave if he/she fulfilled your every fantasy e.g. He would act with more affection, kissing and hugging me more, bringing home flowers sometimes, or calling me from work occasionally to say he loves me. Now, think of how you would feel and how you might behave toward him/her were that to be the case e.g. Gee, if John were more affectionate and loving, I wouldn’t mind that he spends so much time on the golf course; I wouldn’t nag him about it. Note some examples of this. With your desires gratified, might you feel inspired, out of love and gratitude, to reciprocate in some way? List some of the specific ways in which you might reciprocate e.g. He is always complaining that I spend money impulsively. Perhaps he has a point. I may try waiting a day before I make a purchase, just to see how much I really need whatever item it is.
You have probably noticed in your fantasy an unselfish impulsive outpouring of love and gratitude toward your spouse as you imagined him/her gratifying your fantasies. This would be only natural. Can you imagine that he/she would have a similar reaction, should you take the initiative, in real life, to start gratifying some of their fantasies?
Have you ever found yourself waiting for some of your feelings toward your spouse to change? Hoping that something would happen to make a difference? Well, here is your chance. By acting as if you were an adoring, loving spouse you could help your feelings change and probably inspire your spouse to do likewise, as this fantasy exercise has already suggested.
I know many of you may be appalled by such a suggestion. But stop and consider the possibilities. To whatever extend things have become deadlocked in your marriage, this will be sure to gets things flowing again. Don’t be discouraged if your spouse fails to notice or takes your actions for granted. If you find this notion difficult to consider, you can start small, simply by being loving for only five minutes a day, for example, or half a day a week. Increase the time as you feel more comfortable with it.
Remember, this would be an experiment, and as amateur social scientists all, you understand that in an experiment you can’t fail, you can only learn. As you do the experiment, pay close attention to how it is making you feel. You may feel resentment, you may feel bliss. Notice and make note of your resistances. Notice changes in your spouse’s behavior and your own. Remember, movement and change are always workable; stalemate seldom is.
One reason the concept of leading by example, with the values of love, caring and unselfishness at the fore, may seem so difficult to practice is that it clashes with our prevailing social attitudes. The founding fathers affirmed the concepts of both individual freedom and joint responsibility for one’s right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But we have come to focus too much on individual freedoms while allowing the notion of social responsibility to languish. Our national attitude toward the have-nots of this country and to have-not countries around the world, if applied to the institution of marriage, would result in an even higher divorce rate that the 50% we currently have. We must guard against fear and greed-driven impulses to look out only for our own welfare. We must be more willing to approach situations with a greater degree of compassion, forgiveness, and awareness of the general good. In this way we can extend the attainment of personal and marital happiness into the national and international realm and help make the world a better place for ourselves and for our children.
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I found the article interesting and it reinforces something that I find valuable – “mindfulness”. I also couldn’t help but try to expand this to group dynamics and how we relate to each other not in a duo of marriage but in relation to a group whether it be work, play or a church group. I think some of the same principles apply??